i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
