Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
