Michael Bay diarrhea
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So much rum. So many feels.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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