Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude i'm inner monologue high
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
