his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
