my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
