I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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