dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
