this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
