remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
