I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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