the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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