ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
