Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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