my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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