U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
