Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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