turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
