So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
