if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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