I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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