Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
