I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
