update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
