I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
