I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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