conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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