I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
