I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
