I wish I could teleport
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My dick has a subreddit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
