Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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