I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
