She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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