Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
