next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
