Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
