Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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