YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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