**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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