There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
