Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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