two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
