Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
