well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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