I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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