the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am available for nakedness
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
