I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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