I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
