If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
