would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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