saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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