He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
